What If I'd Lost a Limb Instead of My Mind?

I hope this blog entry gives no offense to people who have actually lost limbs; but in trying to come up with a good metaphor to explain my condition to others, this analogy seemed the best-fitting.

What if I had lost one of my limbs instead of losing my mind? Would that make a difference in the way people see me? Would that change their expectations?

This past Spring I found myself in a psych ward, locked-in for 1 week followed by another 3 weeks of intense outpatient group therapy. I was admitted to the hospital for depression, anxiety, self injury and suicidal ideation and subsequently released with a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder and an unspecified Anxiety Disorder; much of that related to trauma from childhood sexual and physical abuse in my past. Funny how you think your life is together, like you've got a handle on all that crap from the past, only to realize you've got a lot of unfinished business deep inside your soul.

Upon returning to work, I was immediately expected to transition back into my job picking up where I had left off 4 weeks earlier. I explained to my supervisors that I was unable to do some of the things I used to do, and was met with blank, deer-in-the-headlight expressions. A few months later, during my annual job review, I was told that I'm not the person I used to be. I answered by saying: "That's because I AM NOT the person I used to be!! I was hospitalized for depression. They feared I was going to kill myself!"

Knowing I trust in, cling to and rely on a Higher Power, my boss suggested I trust and pray to God to get me through this, and again with that expectation that I should return to normal - as if I had missed work for a bad case of stomach flu or something.

So I got to thinking, what if I lost a leg or an arm? I imagine there would a long period of healing: physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. And once the wound was healed and the survivor was confident to move forward, he or she might be fitted with a prosthetic limb. This, of course, would be followed by intense physical therapy to learning to sit, walk and drive with a new leg or dress and undress with a prosthetic arm. And even after a replacement limb and physical therapy, it would be some time before the individual could return to life as-close-to-normal-as-possible before the loss.

So I lost my mind and I'm told I should pray about that. That I need to focus on being the person I was before I had my mental and emotional breakdown.

What if I had lost a limb?

• Would they still tell me to pray about it?
• Would they confidently expect a new limb to grow in place of the old one? (that could happen, right?)
• Would they still push me to return to being the same person I was before my life fell apart?
• Would they still refuse to make accomodations for my handicap?

I am an adult male recovering from childhood sexual abuse. Part of that is learning to live without all those failed coping mechanisms I used to rely upon. Learning to trust. Learning to walk in freedom from rather than psychological bondage to my past. Like losing a limb, I can't "just get over it and move on". I don't want to forever be stuck where I am now; but I don't think it's too much to expect a little bit of slack from those around me while I'm healing inside and out.