One Sixth Columbus

I'm Sorry You Had to See That...

2012-02-29T12:41:00.001-05:00

"I'm sorry you had to see that." - Joe Paterno responding to Mike McQueary's report of seeing a 58 year old Jerry Sandusky doing something of a sexual nature with a 10 year old boy.

What does that expression mean: "I'm sorry you had to see that." ??

Does it indicate that Joe Paterno had prior knowledge of Jerry Sandusky's dark secrets? Was the Coach sorry that his grad assistant had caught a glimpse of one of the skeletons in Penn State's closet?

With Coach Paterno's passing in January 2012, we've forever lost the opportunity to ask him what exactly he meant by that statement; but it does lead me believe he knew much more than he was letting on to.

Just food for thought, for whatever it's worth...

A Closer Look at Male Child Sexual Abuse

2012-02-09T00:57:00.003-05:00

One of the founding members of One Sixth Columbus has begun blogging about his personal memories of the abuse he lived through as a little boy and it's continuing impact upon his life as an adult male survivor.

The blog, Deconstructing Gary, has voluntarily submitted to an "adult content" rating, not due to crude language, obscenity or pornographic content; but simply because sexual abuse abuse of any kind is, in and of itself, obscene.

While avoiding street slang to chronicle sexual abuse, please be forewarned that this blog is a detailed and sometimes graphic retelling of actual childhood sex abuse. As survivors ourselves, we are well aware that there are some things to which a child should not be exposed, including graphic descriptions of child seduction and rape.

Survivors of child abuse, as well, are warned that the subject matter of Deconstructing Gary may cause triggers. Please read at your own risk and within your personal comfort level.

Please Don't Look the Other Way

2012-02-08T11:40:00.008-05:00

It's amazing how difficult it is to not look away from a tragedy. You know: a deadly accident on the freeway, an ambulance pulled up at your neighbor's house, news video of dead heroes, dead terrorists, war casualties, the police dragging a bloodied suspect away in handcuffs, and the list goes on and on.

"I'm repulsed but I can't stop staring!"

For some reason, for too many of us, that all changes when we personally are faced with the moral or ethical opportunity to assist victims of tragedy. Like the good, moral, upright men in Jesus' parable of The Good Samaritan, we see the victim, we stare at the victim, we may even gasp in shock; but we walk on by because we've got more important things to do, and besides, someone eventually will stop to help, right? Someone who doesn't have the same pressing matters that we do. You know: like the police, who get paid to help victims of crime. And by the time we're busy doing whatever was more important than stepping in and lending a hand, our memory of the event has already begun to fade away.

Hey, I admit that I too am guilty of passing people that I could have helped. Like that guy on the highway, walking along the shoulder, empty gas can in hand, headed towards a service station that's 3 or 5 or 10 miles down the road. Or that teenager trying to change a flat tire using tools with which she is inexperienced. I've been changing tires for about 30 years now. I could have helped; but I did not.

I could have helped. Too many times I haven't helped. I confess and make no excuses for my inaction. There have been times in my life where I could have helped and I did not. But the fact...the reality that we have all of us had opportunities where "we could have and did not" does not reduce or negate any one bit of the moral or ethical accountability of any one when, being in a position to intervene, chooses instead to pass that responsibility to somebody else, anybody else; "but just not me!"

I'm not just talking Penn State here. The rape of young boys by a predator with full access to the facilities at PSU made the headlines; but for every Penn State or Syracuse University, how many others are kept in the darkness, kept silent?

If estimates are correct, 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys has been and/or is likely to be abused before the age of 18 (some experts even say before the age of 16!)...how many survivors have to live their entire lives carrying their darkest secrets into adulthood and sometimes even to the grave, when somebody could have intervened but did not? The majority of sexual predators are not strangers to their victims; but somebody close: family, neighbor, friend of family, coach, teacher, minister or any other trusted individual. While it may be true that predators are good at covering their tracks, in too many cases somebody knows. Somebody who could take action, do something, anything.

Learn about signs and symptoms of abuse as well as typical behavior of predators, and pay attention to what your children say and how they react in the presence of certain adults. Talk to your children about appropriate and inappropriate "touching" and conversational subject matter. If you suspect an adult of being a perpetrator, proceed with caution; but don't ignore the signs or rationalize away obviously inappropriate behavior.

Please don't look the other way. Please don't walk on by. The reality is that, in a free society, we will never be able to protect every child; but even if we can save one from the years of trauma associated with the abuse...isn't that worth it?

Speak out, speak up, report suspected abuse, protect the victims - not the offenders.

And please, please do not cross to the other side of the road and look the other way.

What If I'd Lost a Limb Instead of My Mind?

2011-12-27T15:02:00.004-05:00

I hope this blog entry gives no offense to people who have actually lost limbs; but in trying to come up with a good metaphor to explain my condition to others, this analogy seemed the best-fitting.

What if I had lost one of my limbs instead of losing my mind? Would that make a difference in the way people see me? Would that change their expectations?

This past Spring I found myself in a psych ward, locked-in for 1 week followed by another 3 weeks of intense outpatient group therapy. I was admitted to the hospital for depression, anxiety, self injury and suicidal ideation and subsequently released with a diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Major Depressive Disorder and an unspecified Anxiety Disorder; much of that related to trauma from childhood sexual and physical abuse in my past. Funny how you think your life is together, like you've got a handle on all that crap from the past, only to realize you've got a lot of unfinished business deep inside your soul.

Upon returning to work, I was immediately expected to transition back into my job picking up where I had left off 4 weeks earlier. I explained to my supervisors that I was unable to do some of the things I used to do, and was met with blank, deer-in-the-headlight expressions. A few months later, during my annual job review, I was told that I'm not the person I used to be. I answered by saying: "That's because I AM NOT the person I used to be!! I was hospitalized for depression. They feared I was going to kill myself!"

Knowing I trust in, cling to and rely on a Higher Power, my boss suggested I trust and pray to God to get me through this, and again with that expectation that I should return to normal - as if I had missed work for a bad case of stomach flu or something.

So I got to thinking, what if I lost a leg or an arm? I imagine there would a long period of healing: physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. And once the wound was healed and the survivor was confident to move forward, he or she might be fitted with a prosthetic limb. This, of course, would be followed by intense physical therapy to learning to sit, walk and drive with a new leg or dress and undress with a prosthetic arm. And even after a replacement limb and physical therapy, it would be some time before the individual could return to life as-close-to-normal-as-possible before the loss.

So I lost my mind and I'm told I should pray about that. That I need to focus on being the person I was before I had my mental and emotional breakdown.

What if I had lost a limb?

Would they still tell me to pray about it?
Would they confidently expect a new limb to grow in place of the old one? (that could happen, right?)
Would they still push me to return to being the same person I was before my life fell apart?
Would they still refuse to make accomodations for my handicap?

I am an adult male recovering from childhood sexual abuse. Part of that is learning to live without all those failed coping mechanisms I used to rely upon. Learning to trust. Learning to walk in freedom from rather than psychological bondage to my past. Like losing a limb, I can't "just get over it and move on". I don't want to forever be stuck where I am now; but I don't think it's too much to expect a little bit of slack from those around me while I'm healing inside and out.

"What Does It Matter? It's in the Past."

2011-12-03T21:58:00.005-05:00

As I was ruminating about my own past the other day, the above scene from The Lion King came to mind, leading to some what of an epiphany. Simba's story, though not entirely the same as those of us who have survived child sexual assault, has a lot of similarities:

taking upon himself shame for something he did not do and carrying that shame for years
trying very hard to hide from his past and hide his past from others
the affects of the shame and trauma from his past upon his self confidence, self worth and self esteem
his inability to escape his past, because the effects of his past went with him everywhere he went ("wherever you go, there you are")
and finally, his decision to confront his past, as painful as that was, to break free from his own personal, psychological and emotional prison

Simba's relationship with Scar is also familiar to survivors of CSA. "Uncle Scar" betrayed Simba's trust, driven by an unbalanced obsession with his own, selfish desires; neglecting the physical, mental and emotional welfare of a helpless lion cub - his heart and conscience hardened, his morals blinded by his "felt needs". When somebody want something so bad that they don't care who they hurt, they become morally derailed. That's what happened with Scar and essentially that's what happened with our abusers as well. Their desires ranked higher than our welfare. Ranked higher than the welfare of a child. Ranked higher than their common sense of right and wrong.

Back to the scene in The Lion King I referenced above: Simba has grown up trying to hide and escape from his past which is affecting his present and his future. He meets up with Rafiki who recognizes him for who he is - who he really is - not who he thinks he is (failure, loser, coward, worthy of shame and self-condemnation). When Simba expresses his fear to face his past, Rafiki hits him on the head and responds to Simba's outcry with "What does it matter? It is in the past!" Simba rubs his head and says: "Yeah, but it still hurts." Rafiki replies "Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it." and swings again, this time with Simba ducking out of the way.

For many of us, we are just now learning the truth about our past. Many have only recently begun taking the first steps towards confronting our past abuse and learning from it. We are learning that we don't need to live our lives as victims, that we don't need to carry shame over someone else's wrong-doings, that we are not to blame and that we didn't ask for the abuse --- children cannot give consent, cannot be held responsible for an adult trespassing moral and ethical boundaries.

Our past does hurt; but it doesn't need to define us for the rest of our mortal lives. We need to understand and embrace that, and accept that we have value - each and every one of us. There is hope, and it begins with embracing the truth - the real truth.

Unraveling the Mystery

2011-12-01T14:19:00.004-05:00

Two boys: One can't remember. The other can't forget.

So goes the tagline of the film Mysterious Skin, written and directed by Gregg Araki and based on the novel by Scott Heim.

Mysterious Skin is a painful movie to watch; but it is as accurate in it's portrayal of the long-term effects of childhood sexual abuse on male survivors as it is disturbing.

Two boys abused by the same man. One boy can't remember. The other can't forget.

The boy who can't remember becomes an introvert and the boy who can't forget an extrovert; resulting in personal isolationism for both of them, neither of them able to experience real friendship or intimacy with anyone.

Brian has vague memories of a traumatic experience when he was 8 years old; but is unsure what really happened. He remembers waiting for one of his parents to pick him up from the ball park and then nothing...until 5 hours later when he was discovered hiding in the crawl space with a bloody nose. That event along with snippets from his recurring dreams, meticulously recorded in his journal, lead him to conclude that he must have been abducted by aliens, resulting in the missing 5 hours of his life.

Neil, on the other hand, remembers exactly what happened to him at 8 years old; but seems unable to connect the sexual abuse in his past to his reckless behavior including drugs, alcohol and unprotected sex with older men as a male prostitute. Expressing that he was gay before the abuse, Neil romanticizes the relationship with his baseball coach and interprets it not as abuse; but rather as an initiation. It was special. Neil was special. After all, he was the coach's favorite.

Somehow the 2 boys cross paths again, leading to an epiphany for both of them. Brian finally remembers his "missing hours" and Neil finally comes to realize that he was sexually betrayed as he expalins to Brian how they both were groomed by their coach for the ensuing abuse.

Mysterious Skin is a very good film. Googling it shows most critics giving it high reviews.
I personally rate it 4-1/2 out of 5 stars. Not perfect; but pretty damn close.

This movie might not be viewable by some survivors, especially those of us trying to avoid triggers. Personally, I think this would be a good movie for non-survivors to watch and maybe they...maybe...just maybe they might actually appreciate a little better the long-term effects sexual abuse has upon children.

Penn State Epic Fail

2011-11-12T17:06:00.008-05:00

Rape. That's what happened at Penn State. Child rape. Let's call it what it really is. Not a sex scandal. Not inappropriate behavior; but R A P E.

I understand the initial silence. I can forgive McQeary for seeking advice before ratting out a man as highly esteemed as Jerry Sandusky. If he felt anything like the janitor who witnessed an equally revolting scene, I understand being at a loss for what to do next.

What I cannot understand is how those in authority, those with POWER, when told about one of their own raping...RAPING a CHILD... on their premises could look the other way.

The Grand Jury found at least 2 of those in authority to not be credible in their testimonies, and indeed, they were not credible. To claim that Sandusky was merely "horsing around" and then punish him by taking away his keys and instucting him to never bring a boy on the premises again makes it pretty clear they had a pretty clear idea of what the man was doing.

Likewise Coach Paterno, a man revered as a father figure not only by his team but by the entire University, town, state of Pennsylvania as well as college football fans across the nation. Joe Pa claims McQeary didn't specify anal rape; just that Sandusky was doing something of a sexual nature with a 10 year old boy. Yeah...that makes a big difference. "I mean,if he had actually said 'anal rape' of course I would have done more!" Uh, huh.

Liar. Hypocrite. The University. The Team. The sport. The prestige. And your friends. All ranked higher than those children who will be emotionally scarred for the rest of their lives. It's not like you were told that your old pal was doing something of a sexual nature with a dog. I mean, that's sick and probably worth reporting to your superiors and then forgetting about it. No, your buddy was doing something of a sexual nature with a child. To write it off as something less than what it was makes you complicit. Sandusky wasn't just doing something stupid. He was doing something morally reprehensible not to mention against the laws of our land.

Shame.

Shame, I say!

Shame where it belongs!

It doesn't belong on the victims, although those of us who have survived know very personally the guilt and shame we carry NOT for something we did but for something that was done TO us.

No. Shame on the perp: Jerry Sandusky.

And shame on the University administrators who knew that WRONG..no, worse than that,something truly heinous was going on under their noses and under their jurisdiction; but they chose to to look the other way.

Shame on the local and campus police as well as the district attorney who, when they were told back in 1998 that Sandusky was possibly molesting a boy in the showers, rather than arrest the man, settled for a promise "that he would never do it again."

Shame on Coach Paterno. Your are not merely guilty of "bad judgment" sir, but reckless endangerment of minors. You could have done something. You should have done something. Shame on you.

Shame on McQeary. Even though I can understand his initial reluctance, when he saw that nothing had really changed and also continued to rub shoulders with Sandusky...he failed the victims and he failed society.

Shame on the students and fans of Penn State who were more upset about losing their beloved coach than about the victims their coach chose to ignore. Unfortunately, that reverence for Joe Pa continued throughout the game Saturday as evidenced by the "We Love You Joe" banners hanging around the stadium and all the picture taking around his statue.

And shame on our society, this culture that encourages victims to keep silent by it's refusal to speak out for reasons of politic, cronyism, selfish gain and the almighty f'n dollar.

Let the walls fall down with a hard and loud BANG, so the rescuers might yet rush in and protect the innocent ones from further harm.

It is Highly Likely You Know a Child Who is Being Abused

2011-11-08T18:19:00.001-05:00

Step 1: Learn the Facts and Understand the Risks - Darkness to Light

Halloween 2011

2011-10-31T10:35:00.010-04:00

Hiding, always hiding

Covering up

Burrowing under

Let no one see who I really am

They might not like me

They will not like me

I do not like me!

Hide me, cover me

Don't ever expose

Don't ever show the real me

This mask I wear

When I go outside

This facade I project

allows me to hide

I look in the mirror

but I don't see me

People don't know

I don't let them see me

Nobody knows, nobody sees

Because I won't let them

Sometimes the mask gets knocked out of place

Only revealing a glimpse of my face

But rarely, if ever, not more than a trace

I won't let you see me, I won't let you find me

I won't allow you ever to see

see the real me,

see the real freak,

see the damaged boy inside

the tears

the fears

the shame

that I hide

Like Frankenstein's creature

Like Jason Vorhees

Outside - big, tough,

maybe even intimidating

Inside, just a little boy...just a child

More frightened than frightening

This child: betrayed

This child: abused

This child: molested

This child: raped

This child: still hiding

This child: still fearful

This child: still a child

still lost,

confused

and afraid

So busy, so tired,

Worn out from hiding

Exhausted from running

this lifelong race, away from the pain

Pain that won't leave me

This journey so lonely

This trial all mine

Becuase I won't let anyone near me

I want to grow up,

I need to grow up,

get rid of the mask,

see myself as I am

Tell my story

Be heard

Tell the truth and

Live in fear,

Nevermore.

But You've Always Looked So Together!

2011-10-21T14:49:00.008-04:00

How is it that someone who looks so together on the outside could be such a mess on the inside?

For adult survivors of child abuse, that is often one of the pardoxes of our lives. How long ago did the abuse happen? Decades? Quarter century? Even longer?

"I thought you were over that"

SIGH...I thought I was over it, too; but true story: it is not uncommon for men who were sexually abused as boys to go on with their life for years and even decades without any obvious symptoms of abuse and suddenly have their life come to a screeching halt completely and unexpectedly out of the blue. Maybe there's some connection to the so-called "male mid-life crisis" ...or maybe it's something else.

Whether it's that the coping mechanisms which protected us when we were younger just don't work anymore, or that having children of our own triggers memories of how we were at their age or simply that it took this long for us to finally confront something we've kept pushed down inside ourselves for so many years; eventually it comes out and when it does it is often unpredictable and uncontrollable.
"But you've got so much going for you! You look so together!"
Yeah, well, maybe I lied. Or maybe I just never connected the dots until now. I wonder how much of my life has been a failed attempt at trying to be normal, with normal being an idealized notion that no man (abused or not) could ever live up to.

I wonder if I rushed into marriage to prove to myself that I wasn't gay. Seriously.
I wonder how many things I purchased that I really did not need just to fit in with the status quo.
and I wonder how many other choices I made in my life to try and prove to myself - and to the world around me - that I wasn't a damaged human being. To prove that I was okay.

Maybe the criteria others use to assess me as a man who has it all together - my marriage, my children, my job, my net worth, my reputation in the community, etc. - is all just a cleverly built facade of paint and cardboard with fake bricks and shingles, like a theater or movie set.

Push on the wall and it's going to all fall down.

And fall down it did! You see, all that SHHHHTUFF that I was carrying inside of me all those years had been messing me up all those years and I didn't realize it. I never made the connection to my abuse. I never connected the dots. Not that I'm looking to blame all my life's failures on the abuse - not at all. I've done some stupid things in my life for which I am completely responsible...but I'm finding out that a lot of my personality traits, a lot of my defects of character, trace back to coping mechanisms (let me re-phrase that: ...trace back to failed coping mechanisms) which resulted in my own self-sabotage all these years and decades and what-have you.
"OH! so you ARE blaming everything on the abuse!"
No, not everything. I'm really not looking to blame anything or anybody; but simply seeking to understand and then, once I understand, to finally GROW past my past.

I just might look to you like I've got it all together, or like I've got "so much going for me" because I was foolish enough to fall for what the band STYX called The Grand Illusion. I allowed myself to believe that if I had a wife and children and a good job and a nice home and all that American Dream shhhtuff that I would cease being the little boy who was sodomized and I would become normal, as if you can ever really become something by play-acting.

I mean...Christopher Reeve never really was Superman: he just played Superman in the movies. And that should be a DUH! moment; but I guess it's easier for people like me to differentiate between the obvious fantasy of super powers than to recognize the seductive fantasy of normality projected upon or force-fed to us by Madison Avenue, Hollywood and the TV networks.

So on that note, I'm making some ground on all of this. First of all, I'M NOT NORMAL and I know it and I'm okay with that! Ha, ha! What is normal anyway? Does normal really exist? I mean, besides being a town in Central Illinois XD

WHY do I have to look and dress and talk like someone else just to be comfortable in my own skin? no, no, no --- I am me and I am not you and I am not anybody else. True, I am the victim of childhood sexual abuse. That's part of who I am. I'm also a husband and a father and an employee and a tax-paying citizen and a host of other things. I am also damaged. True story. But I am healing from that damage.

So here's STYX singing The Grand Illusion. DON'T BE FOOLED!

We are NOT Alone: VIDEO of 200 Male CSA Survivors - Oprah 2010

2011-10-20T13:21:00.002-04:00

on November 5th, 2010, Oprah Winfrey hosted 200 male survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

My brothers...we are not alone. We are NOT alone. We come from all walks of life, different cultures, different ethnic background, different economic levels and often quite different circumstances; but we all share a common thread of betrayal by people we trusted, OR feared.

Together we can get help. We can go from victims to survivors to thrivers. Together we can do so much more than we could ever accomplish alone. And for many (most?) adult male survivors of child sex abuse, we've been lonely and felt we were all alone in our misery for most of our lives. We WERE alone; but we are alone no more.

Watch the entire episode on Oprah's website. And if you're one of the estimated 1 out of 6 men living in Columbus Ohio that was sexually abused as a child, visit our website One Sixth Columbus for information on where you can meet up with other survivors as well as other helpful resources.

A Safe Place for Male Survivors

2011-10-17T07:29:00.003-04:00

We've got a place: Maple Grove UMC in the Clintonville neighborhood (corner of High Street & Henderson Rd)
We've got a day and time: Monday evenings at 7pm

We've got our first meeting: Tonight, October 17, 2011 7pm at Maple Grove UMC

If you are an adult male survivor (18+) of childhood sexual abuse or incest, please join us for our weekly peer support meeting. This is a safe place to work through something we've been silent about far too long.

Visit our website: http://www.thesanctuarium.com or contact darkest_hour@gmx.com for more details.

***SURVIVORS ONLY! NO PERPETRATORS.***

Male Survivors of Incest and Sexual Child Abuse

2011-10-16T20:45:00.009-04:00

(borrowed from TheVIPRoom.com)

Incest

The traditional definition of incest is sexual activity between blood relatives. Michael Lew's definition of incest is more inclusive. Incest is a violation of a position of trust, power, and protection. Sex between blood relatives is just one part of a more inclusive view of incest. Incest differs from other forms of sexual abuse in that the perpetrator is assumed to stand in a protective (parental) role to the victim. It is not necessary that the "parenting" figure be a family member. The perpetrator could be a relative by blood or marriage, parent, stepparent, older sibling, neighbor, family friend, teacher, member of the clergy, therapist, physician, baby-sitter, camp counselor, or any other care-taker.

Messages about Masculinity and Sexuality

To understand the context in which abuse, survival, and recovery take place, there must be an understanding and examination of the cultural beliefs regarding abuse, victims, perpetrators, children, women and men. Masculinity training begins at birth. Studies have shown that male and female babies tend to be held differently, treated differently, and given differing degrees of attention.

Once men accept that they fail to meet the standards of masculinity, they carry a sense of inferiority into most areas of life. Men often spend their lives trying to "prove" their masculinity, or have succumbed to the feeling that because they aren't "all men," they aren't men at all. No true man displays "womanly" attributes. Men must not show "softer emotions." Men must be strong, devoid of fear, unflinching, and capable. Any lapse into doubt, confusion, tenderness or emotionalism is perceived as weakness.

Restricting the range of permissible behavior and emotions compromises a man's creativity and his ability to respond flexibly to life situations. for the man or boy whose temperament is incompatible with the traditional male image, life can be hell. He may be teased, ridiculed, shunned, or even brutalized. It may be difficult for him to achieve credibility in social, educational, and professional environments. He may be rejected by his family as a source of embarrassment. Failing to develop into the male ideal, some men pretend to be what they are not, turning themselves into a parody of traditional machismo. Others give up the attempt, rejecting themselves because of their perceived failure as men.

The traditional view of the "ideal " male leaves every male feeling isolated. Forced to depend only upon themselves (for fear of seeming less than a man) cooperating becomes a virtual impossibility. Vulnerability, seen as weakness, is equally impossible. Men, in turn, do not have access to their tender, emotional, nurturing, and sympathetic qualities. Rigid adherence to a particular view of masculinity not only increases the incidence of victimization, but severely inhibits prospects of recovery.

The male is expected to be confident, knowledgeable, experienced, aggressive, and dominant. Our culture provides no room for a man as a victim. Men are simply not supposed to be victimized. A. "real" man is expected to be able to solve any problem and recover from any setback. When he experiences victimization, our culture expects him to be able to "deal with like a man." Men are supposed to be in control of their feelings at all times. the survivor's ongoing feelings of confusion, frustration, anger, and fear can be further evidence of his failing as a man. the victimized male wonders and worries about what the abuse has turned him into. Believing that he is no longer an adequate man, he may see himself as a child, a woman, gay, or less than human.

The survivor may set himself up as a:

Perpetrator - He feels that he must achieve power so as to avoid further victimization. The world is divided in victims and perpetrators, abuse can be interpreted as power.
Victim - Once again, the survivor feels that the only options to men are the roles of victim and perpetrators. Knowing how he felt as a victim, he is determined that he will never be a victim again, he is determined that he will never victimize another human being. So he resigns himself to remaining a victim.
Protector - Feeling that children are in constant danger from adults, many male survivors deal with their fear of being abused by taking on the role of protector. Many enter the human service professions.

Male survivors of incest often deal with confusion about their sexuality. Since the abuse was committed sexually, it is often seen as an act of sexual passion instead of an aggressive and destructive violation. Questions about their sexuality often centers on the issue of their sexual orientation since most of the perpetrators are men. Heterosexual survivors wonder whether they can ever function successfully as a sexual partner to a woman - "Am I man enough?". This concern can lead to sexual "performance anxiety" or promiscuous behavior in an attempt to "prove his Manhood." The question also asked is, "Does this mean I'm gay?" For gay men this question often takes the form of, "Is this why I'm gay?" Lew states that virtually every gay male in his incest recovery groups report that they have tried to trace their homosexuality to the abuse. Another question asked is, "Did this happen to me because I'm gay?"

Adult survivors of sexual abuse live their lives in the face of massive shame. Survivors face shame that they "allowed themselves" to be demeaned and weakened. If they enjoyed any part of the abuse they see it as further confirmation of their shortcomings-they have failed as human beings and as men. Any sexual activity with a man or woman can re stimulate shameful feelings. sex has been so strongly associated with victimization and shame that it takes great effort to break the connection.

Survival and Aftereffects

Losses Manifested in Adult Life

Loss of memory of childhood. One way of dealing with the pain is to put what has happened out of the mind. If child has to deny or forget what is happening to him in order to survive the abusive situation, he may find, as an adult, that he has literally lost his childhood.
Loss of healthy social contact. When a child feels that the only safety is in isolation, it seriously impairs his ability to respond to others. Protecting himself from abusers by keeping to himself, he also misses out on the possibility of positive, healthy social interactions-with peers and adults. This isolation is often reinforced by the perpetrator. As a way of keeping the abuse secret the abuser may, usually successful, attempt to isolate the child from other people.
Loss of opportunity to play. If you ask people what children do with their time, the most frequent answer would be "play." This is not true for many abused children. True play is interactive and requires playmates. He cannot relax or trust others enough to enjoy playing. Easy, active, spontaneous playfulness feels too much like loss of control.
Loss of opportunity to learn. In the course of play children learn to communicate, cooperate, compete, problem solve, coordinate, create and behave in age-appropriate ways.
Loss of control over one's body. The most intimate aspect of oneself is one's body. Sexual abuse violates a child's sense of his himself in the most basic way. Someone else takes control of his body against his will.
Loss of normal loving. Childhood should be a time when every child learns that he is good, lovable, wanted, welcomed, and that information, understanding, and protection are available from loving adults. Child abuse prevents all of this.

Frequent Issues and Problems

• Anxiety and/or confusion: panic attacks, fears and phobias
• Depression and suicidal thoughts
• Low self-esteem
• Shame and guilt over acts of commission and/or omission
• Inability to trust themselves or others
• Fear of feelings
• Nightmares and flashbacks
• Insomnia
• Amnesia
• Violence or fear of violence
• Discomfort with being touched
• Compulsive sexual activity
• Social alienation
• Multiple personalities
• Substance Abuse
• Unrealistic and negative body image

Projected Masks and Images

• Blistering: Filling room with words leaving no room for anyone to pierce fragile defenses.
• Invisible: Silent and self-effacing.
• Intimidating: Intelligent, glib, sharp-witted and psychologically savvy that no one challenges his verbal barrages.
• Angry: Radiating rage, criticism, and intolerance.
• Outrageous: Shocking in word, appearance, and behavior.
• Placating/pleasing: Being so nice and caring that attention is directed towards others.
• Comedy: Relying on superficiality and banter to distract attention away from pain.
• Teddy Bear: The warm, comforting and non threatening creature that is safe.
• Academic: Retreating into his head to keep from contacting with painful emotions.

Recovery

Four Myths that interfere with Recovery:

Vulnerability = Weakness
Rigidity = Strength
Comfort = Safety
Under Control = In Charge

Therapeutic Issues and Concerns

Some of the reasons men come up with to avoid seeking therapy:

• "I should be able to do it myself."
• "If I go for psychological help, I'm admitting failure."
• "It's not that bad." "Its not serious enough to require treatment."
• "It's too expensive. I can't afford it."
• "I don't want people to know I'm in therapy. Everyone will think I'm wacko."
• "I don't want some shrink telling me what to do." "I'm afraid it will completely change my personality."

The fact that there are many different helpful therapeutic styles does not mean that all therapies are helpful. Not everything that is called therapy is therapeutic-some so called therapeutic practices are, at best, counterproductive for the incest survivor. At worst, they can be abusive.

Beware of re-creating the abuse. As an incest survivor, they must never be re victimized. It does not matter whether the victimization is actual or symbolic, it is harmful. Any role-playing, psychodrama, guided fantasy, or other techniques that simulates the original abusive situation with the client in the role of victim will be frightening and destructive to recovery.
Beware of inappropriate touching. Part of the recovery process demands that the client is in complete charge of their body. They have the absolute right to decide who can touch them, and set limits on when and how they are touched. this extends to hugs, pats on the shoulder, and even handshakes.
Beware of being authoritative. A great deal of harm was done to the client when someone in their life insisted that they knew what was best for them. Recovery means being in ultimate charge of their lives.
Beware of being unresponsive. There are some therapists who provide virtually no feedback to their clients. The client is left to imagine what the therapist is thinking, projecting his own ideas onto the counselor. The client has lived much of their life in a kind of isolation having to fall back on their own resources which often leaves them with many unanswered questions.
Beware of being critical and judgment. The client is an expert at self-criticism and negative self-judgments it will only be counterproductive or abusive if you in turn do the same.

Confronting the Abuser

Confronting the perpetrator is a difficult and complex issue. A client must give a great deal of thought to the question of why they would want to do it-and whether confrontation is in their best interest. There is no general rule about confrontation. It is a highly individual and personal decision. For some people it is a logical step in their recovery; for others it could be a dangerous and self-destructive act. The real meaning of confrontation is to stand up to the abuse. It represents a recognition that:

• What happened to the client was abusive.
• Sexual child abuse is wrong.
• The client did not deserve to be abused.
• The client is not responsible for the abuse.
• People must be accountable for their actions.

Confrontation, then, proceeds from a position of growing strength which states that every human being deserves respect. Each person has the right to control his or her body. Confrontation is not the goal of recovery. It is a tool for recovery.

Forgiving the Abuser

It is not necessary for the client to forgive the person who abused them! Forgiveness is an individual matter.

Help the client take their time. Help the client to not rush to forgive. Whether or not forgiveness will ever be relevant, it is not appropriate in the early stages of recovery.
Help the client protect themselves. Beware of the client getting trapped by a sense of pity. Help the client not yield to the inclination to protect or take care of the perpetrator. Even if the client cares deeply for their abuser. The perpetrator is not in need of protection.
Help the client explore their feelings around considering or wanting to forgive their abuser.
Help the client understand that they can change their mind. Recovery is a dynamic process. Things sometime change. What seems appropriate at on point in their recovery may be counterproductive or irrelevant at another.
Help the client understand that forgiveness isn't "all or nothing."
Help the client understand that the process of forgiving a person should not take the form of condoning the abuse.

Adapted from Mike Lew's book titled, "Victims no longer: Men recovering from incest and other sexual child abuse," Published by Harper in Row in 1988.

Resolved

2011-10-16T13:29:00.002-04:00

Resolved
I can't change my past
Resolved
I can't change my future
Resolved
My life is not mine to choose
Resolved
Everything I begin shall fail
Resolved
I would be better off dead; but that's not allowed
Resolved
To just accept that my life is going to suck, one day at a time, until I am finally released from this mediocre life by blessed and longed-after death
Resolved
I need to get help. There must be more to life than my pitiful resolutions.

1st Meeting: Monday October 17, 2011

2011-10-13T22:04:00.000-04:00

The congregation meeting at Maple Grove UMC in Clintonville has kindly opened their doors to our Survivors of Incest Anonymous Group. Our first official meeting will be this coming Monday, October 17th. We've got Room #6 booked from 7pm - 8:30pm; but assume the meeting will last about 1 hour.Our 1st Meeting will be primarily a "Meet & Greet" get to know one another and basic primer on how an SIA Group works. If you are interested in joining us or simply would like more information, you can contact One Sixth Columbus through our website or via our Meetup page.

One Sixth Columbus exists to support adult male survivors of childhood sexual abuse.As a local chapter of Survivors of Incest Anonymous - World Service Office, we define incest very broadly as a sexual encounter by a family member or by an extended family member that damaged the child. By "extended family" member we mean a person that you and/or your family has known over a period of time. This may be any family member, a family friend, clergy, another child, or anyone who betrayed the child's innocence and trust. We believe we were affected by the abuse whether it occurred once or many times since the damage was incurred immediately. By "abuse" we mean any sexual behavior or contact with the child. Sexual contacts may include a variety of verbal and/or physical behaviors; penetration is not necessary for the experience to be defined as incest or sexual abuse.SIA is not intended to replace professional therapy with either a psychologist or licensed counselor. SIA and One Sixth Columbus should be considered a supplement to professional help.

Self Destruction

2011-10-12T23:07:00.001-04:00

I wrote this 6 years ago, August of 2005:

Self-Destruction

dark thoughts return
unwelcome
from darkest depths
rising
now circling
like demon-moths shadow the flame
or black clouds blackening
this dark moonless night
thoughts of destruction
self-inflicted
destroy this body
relieve the pain
sink into the cold refuge of earth
six feet under and everything passes

NOT YET

flame burning brighter
shadow-wings flutter
black wisps dissolving
pin-prick'd darkness one star
then two
too many to count now
death's mantle loosens
like mist swiftly falling
and darkness no longer
with eventide fading
sorrow discarded - at least for the moment
tool of infliction returned to it's coffin
no longer enchanted, a harmless utensil
and nothing more...

Innocence Trampled

2011-10-08T22:13:00.002-04:00

TAALK Announces Next 24 Hour TAALK-a-Thon

2011-10-07T14:10:00.000-04:00

TAALK (Talk About Abuse to Liberate Kids) has announced their next 24 hour TAALK-a-Thon for via Blog Talk Internet Radio for November 19th through November 20th.

Please visit the TAALK website for more information.

About Doing More Summit® Scheduled for April 2012

2011-10-07T14:03:00.002-04:00

Author, advocate, trainer and adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse Hank Estrada has announced the About Doing More Summit® sheduled for April 21-22, 2012 in Albuquerque, New Mexico.

The ADM Summit® is a new, exciting gathering of pre-eminent published authors/survivors of abuse, violence, accidents, disasters and war, particularly those with a healthy, positive public speaking message about their personal healing journey and life accomplishments, especially for men who are healing from abuse and trauma, have completed a reasonable amount of time in therapy specifically addressing their childhood victimization, sexual assaults and other trauma experiences, can maintain an approachable level of emotional control about their pain and are ready to move forward as confident citizens of courage, healing, hope and dignity.

For more infomation, visit http://www.aboutdoingmore.com/

Big Voice Pictures Releases DVD Boys and Men Healing

2011-10-07T13:16:00.001-04:00

from Big Voice Pictures:

Boys and Men Healing is a documentary about the impact the sexual abuse of boys has on both the individual and society, and the importance of healing and speaking out for male survivors to end the devastating effects. The film portrays stories of three courageous non-offending men whose arduous healing helped them reclaim their lives—while giving them a powerful voice to speak out, and take bold action toward prevention for other boys. The film includes a support group of men and is testimony to the importance of men finding safe places to support one another and share their stories together. The film was produced in association with the International Documentary Association.

This DVD can be purchased from the Big Voice Pictures website or from Amazon.com

Spotlight: Joyful Heart's New Engaging Men Initiative

2011-10-07T13:06:00.001-04:00

ENGAGING MEN

On September 28, 2011, NBC aired a very powerful episode of Law & Order: SVU about male sexual abuse. In conjunction with this episode and in partnership with 1in6, A CALL TO MEN and the cast and crew of Law & Order: SVU, Joyful Heart has launched a new initiative to engage men in the movement to address, prevent and, one day, end sexual assult, domestic violence and child abuse.

For more information, visit men.joyfulheartfoundation.org

MaleSurvivor Announces 13th International Conference

2011-10-07T12:52:00.002-04:00

MaleSurvivor has announced their 13th International Conference titled "A World of Healing" to be held November 15-18, 2012 at John Jay College of Criminal Justice in New York City, NY.

This international conference will provide a unique opportunity for personal and professional growth, networking, and the dissemination of new knowledge in the area of sexually traumatized boys and men. The four-day event will feature numerous workshops for male survivors of sexual abuse, their loved ones/partners, and the professionals who work with them.